Five Defining Moments on My Journey through Motherhood

I’ve been extra sentimental this week.  I don’t know if it’s because Jacob has been so sweet and lovey or if it’s because I came to the realization last night that Olivia’s legs no longer look like those of a baby (they’re especially long and lean these past few days), or maybe it’s because of Jacob’s impending preschool graduation… I don’t know, but I’ve already teared up on more than one occasion this week.  My mind has been swirling with lots of memories, some old and some new, and since Mother’s Day is this Sunday I thought it would be nice to share a few of the defining moments in my life as a mother.

O N E – The First Positive Pregnancy Test

I knew from a very young age that I wanted two things in life – to be a wife and to be a mother.  I always dreamed of having two kids – a boy first, and then a girl… you know, so the big brother could protect his little sister.  Well, I found my husband and then married him at the age of 25, and shortly after our second wedding anniversary, we decided that we were ready to try for a baby. 

Now, I know that people have babies all the time.  All the time.  But even though it’s so commonplace, I was still completely awestruck when I saw those two faint pink lines on that pregnancy test.  I felt the enormity of it all and I couldn’t believe that it was happening to me.  I had always known deep down that I would have kids, but the fact that it was actually happening just seemed so crazily and impossibly wonderful.  We created something from practically nothing.  Something – someone – who was completely ours.  In that moment, my life changed forever.  In that moment, I knew that anything was possible.  

T W O – A Miscarriage

Eight short weeks later I was completely and utterly robbed of my elation when the good Lord decided that He needed another angel.  We don’t know how or why it happened to us, but it nearly destroyed me.  All of my newfound belief that anything was possible was instantaneously replaced with uncertainty and doubt.  I was entirely convinced that my body couldn’t and wouldn’t produce a child, that we would never have children, that I would never be a mother.  It felt hopeless at times and I trudged through life sad and scared for that next stretch of months.  That period in my life taught me a lot of things, though, and it prepared me even more for motherhood than I could have ever prepared myself otherwise.    

T H R E E – The Birth of Jacob

Contractions, sweat, tears, laboring for a total of 18 hours which included 2.5 hours of pushing.  It was the hardest thing physically that I have ever done – and will ever do – but when it was over I was blessed with the most perfect gift.  Mentally, I had been a mother since receiving that sweet news of my first pregnancy, since hearing the heartbeat of our first angel, since losing it all.  But in that moment when Jacob was born, I was physically a mother.  I had finally been blessed with the gift for whom I had prayed every single day for months.  Years.  He was finally in my arms.  And he was safe and sound.

F O U R – The Birth of Olivia

A baby girl, swaddled in pink, all perfect and dainty and absolutely stunning.  I didn’t have to labor for her, yet she was in my arms and she was all mine.  All of my dreams of tutus and necklaces, dress-up clothes and manicures came true that day.  I know you’re not supposed to want a specific gender… that you’re only supposed to want healthy babies, but the heart wants what it wants.  From the tiniest age I always longed for a little girl, a tiny little version of myself, and there she was.  All perfect and staring up at me like we had known each other forever.

F I V E – Jacob’s Croup Scare

I’ve never blogged about this before, and someday I may tell the whole story here on the blog, but it’s a moment that is unfortunately seared into my mind forever, and it’s a part of the scary side of motherhood. 

Just a few days shy of Jacob’s second birthday Brian and I awoke to the sound of Jacob crying.  By the time we got to his room he was making odd noises and seemed to be gasping for air.  His throat was almost completely closing due to a severe bout of croup, and he couldn’t breathe.  We had no idea at the time what was happening, so we had no idea what to do.  Brian held him and tried to calm him as I called 911, and after that all we could do was pray and wait for help.

During those few minutes before the ambulance arrived, Jacob grew lethargic and I was terrified that he was dying.  In that moment, I would have done anything – anything – to help him breathe, but we were completely helpless.  It was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt in my entire life.  Fortunately the ambulance arrived in time and they were able to get him stabilized on the way to the hospital even though his oxygen level was dangerously low. 

During those next hours and days I didn’t care about anything else in the world but getting him well.  My job wasn’t important.  Money wasn’t important.  Having beautiful, shiny things wasn’t important.  All that mattered was that my baby was going to get better and live to be old and grey.  I’m telling you, there’s something about having a very sick child that will make you get your priorities straight real fast.  Not that mine were terribly out of whack to begin with, but it definitely opened my eyes, that’s for sure. 

I now try to cherish every single second with them.  I try to make each day count.  I try to do the things that I love and enjoy as much of life as I can.  Sure there are plenty of days where both of them drive me absolutely nuts and I want to send them to the zoo, but without them, I wouldn’t have the most rewarding job that I will ever have – a mother.

So to those who have one child and to those who have eight, to those who are raising babies from other mothers and to those who are who are grieving the losses of their own, to those who are still patiently (and not so patiently) waiting to hold their own babies in their arms and to those who are still young and dreaming of what life will be like when they are old enough to be mothers... Happy Mother’s Day.

*Linking up with A Liz Adventures and Carolina Charm for Five on Friday, A Little Bit of Everything for Friday Favorites, Living for Naptime for BFF Friday Link-up Party,  September Farm and The Farmer's Wife for Oh Hey, Friday, and Meet @ the Barre for Friday Favorites!